Irony...the word you're looking for is irony

China has been become ironic. Not in the way that hipsters are self-consciously ironic, that would be annoying. China is ironic because it's crazy amount of develop has caused thing that shouldn't be together to clash. I don't know if anyone notices it, but it's hilarious, at least to me.

First, there is the luxury stores. They are all over China. Every large city AT LEAST has a Maserati or Aston Martin dealership and most large cities either have a Bentley or Rolls Royce dealer, or both. Then there are the luxury clothing and accessories stores. You name it, they have it. Everywhere. It's kind of disgusting.

You want giant Prada store? China's got MANY!

What's ironic about this is that they developed this nice big street with all these high end stores with nice, large public areas with green space. (This is in Hangzhou by the way...one of the most beautiful places in the world). But guess who's out in front? Old people.

Hundreds of senior citizen gather in these open spaces in the afternoon. To do what? Sing old Communist propaganda music. Like clockwork, old folks come around and sing ballads to Mao and songs about taking down the "capitalist roaders". In front of all the high end stores. Can't make this shit up.

Does it stop there? Of course not! There is also the "Confucius" Temple in Nanjing. I went because I thought it looked pretty on Wikitravel. What do you get when you get there? This:

Confucius, now with LED lights!

Brought to you by KIA

Guess who paid for this? KIA Motors! So, in front of the temple for a guy that said, roughly, that being a merchant is not an honorable profession and no gentlemen should wish to be a merchant, KIA Motors has decided to deck Confucius out with some LED lighting! Oh yeah!

There's also Starbucks. It's everywhere. It's as prevalent in China as in the US, which really irritates me since Chinese people don't drink coffee. It's not something we do, traditionally, but whatever, we developed a habit. One of the things that Starbucks does really well is marketing their brand. Everyone knows the Starbucks logo and they paste it everywhere. They do have a Chinese name "星巴克", which is basically a transliteration by sound, you can see this in Chinatown here. But, they decided to put this up in Chengdu:

Yup...Starbucks has gone Chinese, with a Chinese 1700's style store front and a traditional Chinese signage. Yay? Not sure... much rather you do you. I can REALLY live without a Starbucks with a traditional Chinese style sign, it's called a bian or 匾.

China's development has created a weird bunch of shit all colliding into one place. You still have a lot, A LOT, of people that were educated and grew up in a Communist society, while modern China embraces the capitalist roader. This can lead to some crazy, ironic, weird, and unintentionally hilarious things. One more thing, since 90% of people ask "Who is General Tsou?", "Did he really invent the chicken?". The answer is this is General Tsou (左宗棠, Zuo zhongtang):

He was Viceroy of Liangjiang

He wasn't a general, he was a viceroy.

And NO! He didn't invent the fucking chicken, some dude in Chinatown NYC did in the 70's. 

From Rickshaws to Maglevs: Traveling through China

I guess I should have wrote about this first, since you need to get to Sichuan or anywhere in China to eat there, but it the stereotype of my hometown goes, we put food first.

So, I don't know why, maybe it's the people I talk to at work, or American media portrayal in general, but a lot of people think that China is this backwards Communist country where nothing is dependable and you will get stuck in a place where you can read NONE of the signs and everyone sounds like they are out of a bad 70's Hong Kong kung fu movie. 

Here's the thing though:

 

1) All signs in large cities are posted in Chinese AND English

Granted, it's in pingyin or phonetic Chinese, but things that translate are translated. So, like 南京东路, which will be Nanjing East Road. Super easy for everyone! 

2) I can haz high speed rail?

China has finally worked the kinks out of their high speed rail system, and it's GREAT. They connect every city you can possibly want to go to. They have amazing on time records and the fastest travel at 390 km/hr (around 200 mph). SUPER FAST!

All of the largest city train stations have at least 2 English speaking booths where you can get tickets. And tickets are available 5 days in advance. If you need help ever navigating the rail system, or any rail system, check out Seat 61, it's a train blog.

Shanghai Pudong International Airport also has a Magnetic Levitation (Maglev) train that take you into the city. It goes at over 550 km/hr (400+ mph). Yeah, it's worth a ride. 

I would take the rail for any cities that are close. If it's far, fly. 

3) Every city has a metro??? It speaks English??? AND it goes everywhere you can POSSIBLY want to go???

Yes, yes to all of the above. It's super cheap in every city, 2-7 RMB ($0.25-$1.10). They are all super clean, super new, and super fast. All signs and vending machines are in Chinese and English, so are all announcements, which more than I can say about MTA.

4) You wanna ride a rickshaw?

We got that too... more as a tourist gimmick. 

For a small fee... a Chinese guy will drag your ass around in a rickshaw

We also have what I consider the most inhuman form of traveling I know of! And the kicker is, it's used to go up and down fucking mountains! We got SEDAN CHAIRS!!! What is that you might ask? Two people will let you sit in a chair while the carry your ass up or down a mountain, like this:

If you pay enough, people will literally put you on their shoulders and carry you down (OR UP!) a mountain while you fuck with you smartphone

Yeah... China... sometimes you still don't make sense. 

You want Chinese food? Rules for eating in China

So, I went to Nanjing, Hangzhou, Shanghai, and Chengdu this time around, and since Chengdu is my hometown and about 90% of Chinese will agree, we in Chengdu know how to eat. (Apparently, our hot pot can give you instant ulcers too). Needless to say, I think food in all other places suck, no joke, it's not good. Go to Sichuan and come and see what real Chinese food is. 

But before you go off and get ulcers for no reason here are some ground rules you probably should follow/understand:

1. It will be dirty

China is not known for its cleanliness. Shit, Chinese restaurants HERE aren't known for being the cleanest places. If you have a weak stomach, I'm sorry, you can either pay up the ass for a clean place that's not very good or you can have the shits for most of your stay. 

Food stall, cooks over a 55 gallon barrel, cleanliness win

 2. If you don't know Chinese, it will be ok! But you will have to venture into the kitchen (hell)

If you don't know Chinese, most places will show you what to eat, but you will have to venture into the kitchen, which is a circus, animals and all. You will have to venture into that crazy mess and point at things you want, which is fine, but that some things are not identifiable. And many unidentified things can be great. 

3. If it has a paper menu, leave.

All the best places have a daily rotating menus. They will have plaques posted on the wall or on a whiteboard. This is because they will only cook what they could cook that day. They will have staples, but veggies and anything that will spoil fast will be a daily thing. With this in mind, this is why paper menus are bad. This means they keep things in stock and might not be fresh. Unfresh and unclean means food poisoning. 

4. Try something new

So, here are some local traditional dishes from where I was this time around:

Nanjing: Rice noodles with duck blood sausage

Shanghai: Stinky tofu

Chengdu: Ulcer inducing hotpot. Coagulated pork blood with fried fatty intestines

You have to be adventurous. You will be rewarded. Fatty intestines friggin GREAT! Not just in China, see Turkish Kokorec.

5. In Chengdu, bring antacid 

Heartburn will be a daily thing. Spicy is our specialty. And numbing black peppercorn. It will take some getting used to, so load up on antacid and some milk of magnesia.

One order of fiery poo the next day, coming right up!

6. If you want, General Tso's Chicken

Or anything else from a Chinese fast food menu....

Get the fuck out.

The first of MANY posts on China

I'm sitting in the ANA lounge in Japan and I see this, what I can only guess is Italian person, wearing a T-shirt saying I <3 BJ.

If your mind is as dirty as mine, or NOT even, you know what that means. And this guy seems like a nice guy with a family and pushing his toddler in a stroller with his wife by his side. So he doesn't immediately hit me as douche bag guy that proclaims his love for fellatio on a t-shirt a la Fratty McFraterson.

This isn't the first time I've seen this. This girl I met at a hostel in Nanjing had the same thing on, and I had to strike up a conversation about this, because, hey if a girl loves it...

Anywho... apparently I <3 BJ is the new equivalent of I <3 NY, but for Beijing. WTF Beijing??? I'm liking you less and less. I'm guessing whom ever designed this shirt did not consult any westerners. I love this whole pride in Beijing thing, but maybe calling yourself BJ isn't exactly the best of ideas for a shirt for foreigners...

Or is it...

Personally, let's teach some Westerners some Chinese and stick with 北京