You want Chinese food? Rules for eating in China

So, I went to Nanjing, Hangzhou, Shanghai, and Chengdu this time around, and since Chengdu is my hometown and about 90% of Chinese will agree, we in Chengdu know how to eat. (Apparently, our hot pot can give you instant ulcers too). Needless to say, I think food in all other places suck, no joke, it's not good. Go to Sichuan and come and see what real Chinese food is. 

But before you go off and get ulcers for no reason here are some ground rules you probably should follow/understand:

1. It will be dirty

China is not known for its cleanliness. Shit, Chinese restaurants HERE aren't known for being the cleanest places. If you have a weak stomach, I'm sorry, you can either pay up the ass for a clean place that's not very good or you can have the shits for most of your stay. 

Food stall, cooks over a 55 gallon barrel, cleanliness win

 2. If you don't know Chinese, it will be ok! But you will have to venture into the kitchen (hell)

If you don't know Chinese, most places will show you what to eat, but you will have to venture into the kitchen, which is a circus, animals and all. You will have to venture into that crazy mess and point at things you want, which is fine, but that some things are not identifiable. And many unidentified things can be great. 

3. If it has a paper menu, leave.

All the best places have a daily rotating menus. They will have plaques posted on the wall or on a whiteboard. This is because they will only cook what they could cook that day. They will have staples, but veggies and anything that will spoil fast will be a daily thing. With this in mind, this is why paper menus are bad. This means they keep things in stock and might not be fresh. Unfresh and unclean means food poisoning. 

4. Try something new

So, here are some local traditional dishes from where I was this time around:

Nanjing: Rice noodles with duck blood sausage

Shanghai: Stinky tofu

Chengdu: Ulcer inducing hotpot. Coagulated pork blood with fried fatty intestines

You have to be adventurous. You will be rewarded. Fatty intestines friggin GREAT! Not just in China, see Turkish Kokorec.

5. In Chengdu, bring antacid 

Heartburn will be a daily thing. Spicy is our specialty. And numbing black peppercorn. It will take some getting used to, so load up on antacid and some milk of magnesia.

One order of fiery poo the next day, coming right up!

6. If you want, General Tso's Chicken

Or anything else from a Chinese fast food menu....

Get the fuck out.